The above (Aphorisms – Part 2) came from above, when my state of mind took me there as an act of God’s grace. It was posted on August 11, 2012. It is now December 6, 2012. I have jotted down a few more aphorisms here and there, and will add them below, miscellaneously. But my state of mind has catapulted into some muddy spaces after Hurricane Sandy. I was without electricity and water for 4.3 days and without phone/internet for nine days. I surprised myself with how calm I remained–the nights were long and dark, as we all know. The Manichean duality of yesterday, the contrasts of light and dark taken for granted for centuries, to be only recently replaced by the light of the night born of Tesla’s alternating current, became the new reality taken for granted. During those nights I would hear an alien probe, may I say of a negative nature, blurting cacophonous sounds, like a contracted Morse code that would make any music enthusiast nauseous and eventually insane. (This probe had been present for many years on and off, but during the outage it was persistent but has petered off recently, yet still eructates as it thinks it is inclined to do, since it does not feel.) So I am used to this “sound thing.” Many times it utters stupidities based on my thoughts, but mostly lies, typical of a satanic entity, or a nasty ET intelligence that has been assigned to taunt me, lower my mental and spiritual IQ, render me helpless and certainly very stupid, as that would allow it to triumph. But I won’t let it. At times it seems to utter the truth, but then I have to catch myself, and realize, invoking the razor’s edge known to spiritual adepts, that even if it were slightly stroking my ego to inflate me a bit when I have little energy left for it to keep feeding off of by the ostracizing commentary which is its life blood or very nature, then I know that the seemingly slightly nicer embedded subliminal is a lie. It is a fallacious construction of contracted negative ego/mind from another dimension that makes this sound. At one point I started to believe something so horrible it said about me, as if to lift myself to such a level of insane martyrdom that I heard a voice appear out of nowhere say to me, “you’re the devil.” I took it lightly, and laughed it off, since I don’t deliberately harm any living thing, although my epileptic negative thoughts are a result of shock treatment, medication and a kundalini awakening in the middle of it all that attempted to heal things which it both did and did not do. That night I went to the kitchen for the usual deep into the night glass of water and urination, and back to sleep, an interim activity that occurs about three times per night, since I rarely sleep more than three hours in a row. When you are being mentally tortured in a subtle, fastidious way which you can’t do anything about, you eventually adapt and become somewhat stoical; the only good thing about it is that it makes you stronger since it has not killed you; the bad thing about it is the eventual lackluster quality your life takes on.
Anyway, as per the outage, some kind volunteers came on the third day with organic candy bars, bottles of water, even offered me some batteries. I said I had enough since they kept offering–such nice young people, one of the few times I get to socialize–did it have to take a power outage to experience a little social joy?? Goodness gracious, I really do have a social phobia, you know, or am ordinarily anti-social. I felt fine and strong after it was over, having gone to visit my mother twice, up 12 flights to her house four blocks away and 9 flights back to mine. She had several San Pellegrino water bottles to give me, and I had filled a large many gallon-sized container and some pots with filtered water, placed spoons and forks in cups with water, dunked my fingertips after using food and going to the bathroom (fortunately, I was very constipated, which is rarely the case). I put my food on the terrace to keep it cool and due to God’s grace, I did not suffer hunger, also because I had been reciting some Hindu mantras used by ancient yogis to quell their hunger and thirst so as to meditate uninterrupted by hunger pangs and thirst. My cat got dehydrated since he could not drink from his fountain, so I gave him dropperfuls of water. He’s fine now.
But the psychological aftermath of Sandy was more awful for me than the fact of it itself. On the night the lights came back at 4 AM, Saturday, Nov 3, I was psychically attacked. While laying in bed trying to fall asleep, I felt as if a hot match were being lit on the tip of the fourth toe of my left foot. This lasted a few minutes. I prayed that Jesus would appear to the group of people doing this, if such were the case, since I did not retaliate or think about casting back a spell, also because I don’t know how and wouldn’t do it anyway. Just wait it out and stay in the light, say a prayer to the Holy Spirit and ask for divine intervention. The hot light finally let up and went out for good. I think people misinterpret my energy due to the side-effects of my medication. Next, during the outage I heard from the probe some horrible, frightening utterances from two of my recently dead relatives, my uncle and his wife. My healer told me they were always jealous of me and my talents and envied me with respect to their daughter, my cousin, as if she should become a carbon copy of me. She has a son, an Indigo child, whom I believe comes from my soul group, only that it seems to me she unconsciously borrowed my personal soul template in the hope of having a little girl like me, but she got a boy and then a third boy. During the days after the hurricane, all hell broke loose at night in my apartment, tormenting thoughts that her little boy was possessed, that he had to take psychotropic meds, or that her dark side attacked my room, if I had not washed the dishes and that she attempted to steal my writings from my computer. All this is unconscious hogwash based on fears, unreal fears with, perhaps a basis of truth, but since I am not a guru, I will never know the truth. Unfortunately, due to all this stress, my brain snapped and my mental voice silently started uttering tapes about my cousin, elevating tapes that were quite bothersome to me. I have to remind myself, if you turn another human being, even a family member into an enemy and you have a conscience, which makes this even worse, you have to pay for it. You cannot accuse without direct evidence, say from a confession, so you cannot assume. It was as if all the things I learned in Aphorisms – Part 2 had been forgotten and had to be relearned. I have been through lots of stress for the past month, it has not been easy, but I thought of Krishna who liked butter, and imagined that he loved his enemies, like Jesus, since they are essentially the same person, and melted any animosity he had for his enemies with the butter of love. I tried to see the love in my cousin and said her name out loud, saying she is love, even if at first I did not mean it or did not care about thinking so. Eventually, you can make peace with people who irritate you.
I remembered from my blissful days after Shaktipat, where I was given a drop of Krishna’s love to experience the Cloud-9 bliss for 10 days that I will ever forget, the bliss that he feels 99 billion times more than the Cloud-9 I experienced in any given instant of his days in the heavens, and think, what would anyone give for this experience that you remember forever, but that you have to earn again once you have tasted the forbidden fruit of the love of the inner heart? So I am basically over this probe’s invasive quality, although the recording erupts now and then–on the phone is the lethal time, when the utterance causes a more emphatic change in the person’s voice I am speaking with, making me feel like shit. But if you create your reality, you can change it. It would be less difficult to control your mind if your heart were more open–mine is so shut from the medication–God help me, please, I need all the help I can get. I am the most lucky and the most unlucky at the same time. What a roaring time, good or bad, that is, can you imagine?
Now, here are just a few more aphorisms to savor:
*Gazing at my picture of Jesus I received these words: Only the Truth is the true path – so it follows that no religion is the true path – only the truth in all religions comprises The True Path.
*It’s stupid to allow someone else’s stupidity to make you feel smarter or better. Being aware of this can help you cure your personal Schadenfreude.
*Gladness over conquering Schadenfreude is a form of spiritual pride. In realizing you can’t win walking the razor’s edge of spirituality, you eventually win…here, losing is winning.
*Don’t project your thoughts–especially if you can’t control them–in the form of mantras, subconsciously expecting approval in the vocal inflections of the person you are talking to, just to try to feel OK about your mental eructations when they’re not OK.
*Did my desire for no desire come from ego, not from truth? If it did, I must re-examine my motives, and choose desirelessness born of a true desire for it.
*Satan loves being taunted by formerly high beings he has crushed, or who allowed him to crush them.
*The light should not judge the dark lest it take on the qualities of the dark.
*There is no fear of success–success is easy to get once you overcome the fear of yourself.
*Even if you fail, wish success to others (very difficult to do, but possible).
*A gift given out of gratitude, appreciation and love is preferable to a gift given out of a sense of guilt.
*Until you transcend sex, you really don’t know if you should do without it.
*Self-punishment (my inner self-threats) for lack of security or not being sure…
*You must transcend your earthly sensuality before you can approach your spiritual sensuality. (Sorry, new agers, I am one of you, I just don’t fall into new age traps.)
*Too much pride over one’s accomplishment or resting on one’s laurels indefinitely is not preferable to detached, emotional indifference once the pleasure of it is gone; acknowledge it and let it go.
*If you know how you failed at the moment of real or imagined failure, then it is not failure–always acknowledge what could be wrong with you, or how you might have fared with the preferred choice, for better or for worse, and imagine it as good even if this is painful–only God would have allowed it to happen if it was meant to be. Forgive yourself and move on to the next thing. We are all divine within, the spark of God within makes us divine, although when we say nobody’s perfect, we mean the things we have chosen that have taken us away from the truth, the common banality of the human experience, make us imperfect yet is what makes us human for the human experiment to unfold for the sake of moving higher on the scale of consciousness.
As always, winners never quit and quitters never win. Yours, Luisa
Psychiatric Passages 